Grandma Lucy

For Christmas Day, we went to Perryton, Texas to Grandma Lucy's house. Grandma is lots of fun, cooks really well and she can quote the entire Bible (nearly).

I'll give you just a glimpse of this fun loving lady with a few quotes.

Playing cards:
"I'm not being nice, I'm just trying to beat you"
"Play 'til you win or you won't sleep well"
"I always play to win" (even against a 4 year old!)
"We can't stop now, its only midnight. Renee will play with me until 2 am"
"Crista thinks she's too special to shuffle cards" I really just forgot to help.

Meal time:
"I know you just ate breakfast at 11:30, but its 12 and its dinner time"
"You have to have 5 things on your plate and butter doesn't count"
"I don't eat very much dinner, then I wouldn't have room for candy"
"Nobody ever leaves my house hungry"

On Nutrition:
"They say dark chocolate is better for you than milk chocolate, because it has more cocoa. I don't like dark chocolate so I just eat twice as much milk chocolate for the benefits"
"For dinner last night I had candy"

Miscellaneous:
When I was fixing her shirt collar she said "Its no use, it won't help this galloping horse"
When she was offered a drink with dinner she said "No thanks, I'm driving to town later" (We meant water, she was kidding, of course)
When I answered the door bell at her house she was standing outside and said "I just wanted to know if you liked me enough to let me in."
When I filled out her Mary Kay order form on Christmas Day, I absentmindedly asked the day's date. She asked "Do you sell any smart pills?"

There are tons more stories that may come out later. She's just such a special lady. She's the youngest 85 year old I've even met!

Best in Class

Just a thought that occurred to me in the many hours we've already logged on the freeway this holiday season......

Don't you think the person driving the big trucks labeled "Flammable" should be valedictorian of truck driving school or, at the very least, employee of the month? That, then, may cut out the fear that we experienced as the Flammable truck swerved in and out of our lane of traffic. Maybe this driver was a fill in because of Christmas vacation. That's what I choose to believe. The Valedictorian will be back after New Year's.

Are my expectations too high? I feel about the same with brain surgeons and bomb squad leaders.

Possible

As is common in the world of nursing I was helping a woman with a bedside bath. This consists of a bucket of soapy water and wash cloths...just so you get a picture. The woman I was assisting was a delightful woman, fun to talk to. I was setting up the supplies for her bath when she said "Well, do you know how to wash Grandma?"

"What?" I asked, confused.

She grinned and answered, "We'll wash grandma as far down as possible, then we'll wash as far up as possible, then we'll wash Possible!"

That was the first time I'd heard it put that way!

Common Ground

From time to time I have a patient that speaks only Spanish. I don’t speak much Spanish, so the time I spend caring for those patients tends to be quiet or filled with frustrated attempts on either side to make needs known. Without fail however, there has always been common ground provided by pop culture.

For instance, after almost an entire shift of barely communicating with one gentleman, I motion that I need to plug in his IV pump, as the batteries were running down. The bright light of understanding appeared in his eyes as he enthusiastically sang “Plug eet eehn, Plug eet eehn!” Thank you Glade!

Another example, I tried to communicate to a man on strict bed rest to use the handheld urinal if he needed to urinate. I held it up and said “el bano”- Spanish for “bathroom”. His eyes got very wide and frightened and in perfect English asked, “Number one or number two?”
Thank you, moms everywhere!

Lastly, I cared for a blind Spanish speaking woman. Even though I placed the call bell in her hand, she preferred screaming her requests. One day I heard her screaming “senorita, necesita caca!” meaning “miss, I need to #*&$!!” Thank you cussing guy in Spanish class!

Did you know I'm the devil?

I happened upon Mrs. Schmidt* as she was walking out of her hospital room ripping her clothes off yelling "Schmitty! Schmitty!"

"Mrs Schmidt, what's the matter?", I asked.

"I'm looking for Schmitty"

"Who's Schmitty?"

At that moment Mrs. Schmidt's eyes narrowed into a quintessential GTH look. "Don't give me that. You know exactly who Schmitty is. Schmitty is my husband!! Where is he...you know where he is!!"

Shocked I responded "Mrs Schmidt I do not know your husband or where your husband is, let me help you to bed where you can rest"

"NO! I'm going to the bathroom." I helped her in the bathroom and before I could leave she got an evil look in her eye and said "I Hate YOU. I know who you are. YOU ARE THE DEVIL!!!"

Spent, I glared straight back in her eyes and said "Mrs. Schmidt, I've been here helping you all day and the least you could do is treat me with kindness"

She only glared at me with the same hatred and said "You are all the same. everyone of you."

I just let it go and helped her to bed and prayed very hard that she would fall asleep so I could get my work done. An hour later, I walked hesitantly into Mrs. Schmidt's room to find a pleasant, well rested lady who turned to me and exclaimed "There's my favorite girl! I love you!"

True Story.